vaburbia

I heard this is what Herndon is going to look like next year.

“Obama on the left,
McCain on the right.
We can talk politics all night,
And you can vote however you like.”

Is that Andy Milinakis?

After a night out with friends, I often feel gleeful that I’m not a part of the dating scene anymore. Dating can be fun, but I like to avoid drama. It seems as though that’s all there is when I hear about friends and the dating scene. I can’t say that I hate any of my exes. I’m certainly glad I don’t have any ex-girlfriends like this.

Why I’ll be the Best ‘Psycho’ Ex-Girlfriend You’ve Ever Had!
Date: 2008-09-20, 12:46PM EDT

I know that all your ex-girlfriends are ‘psychos.’ I’ve heard all about them since hardly a day goes by that you don’t make some eye-rolling reference to ‘that crazy bitch’ who practically ruined your life and then went off and married some successful ‘douchebag’ leaving you to troll local college bars in search of no-strings-attached ass while she enjoys quiet weekends at home with her new in-laws in Connecticut. That selfish, cunt.

I know that you don’t think I could ever be as good of a ‘psycho ex’ as she was. But, I assure you. I can. I’ll be such a raving lunatic nutcase – you won’t even remember her when I’m through with you. Try me.

For starters – I am great in bed. Isn’t that how all the ‘crazy’ ones start out? You’ll meet me at some party through some friend of a friend of a friend who knows I have ‘whacko’ potential but will fail to mention this to the chain of people through whom we are introduced because…quite frankly, our friends don’t really care enough about either of us to keep our best interests in mind. Alternatively, they *do* have our best interests in mind but know that our dramatic personalities and overwhelming egos are forces too powerful for even the most friendly, logical advice. Thus, they abort all attempts to keep us apart and allow us to get drunk and grope each other publicly, shaking their heads all the while because..this shit is gonna’ blow up big time.

Meantime, we’ll already be upstairs, half undressed where you’ll be too drunk to censor yourself so you’ll make overly generous blubbering commentary about how ’sexy’ I am (as I knock into a table lamp with swanlike grace). You’ll also rave on and on about how I have the greatest tits you’ve ever seen and am ‘fucking amazing’ on all other fronts (as if I didn’t know). Compared to the four other chicks you’ve banged, this will be the best sex of your life. And as soon as we’re done, you’ll start forming a mental list of which buddies you are going to text message first about this while at the same time wondering if you could possibly spend the rest of your life with me.

In the sobering light of morning, you’ll forget that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and instead opt for a “two-night stand” but you’ll quickly realize that I am having none of that and somehow weasle my way into staying over, cooking breakfast and reading your newspaper. I will also have conveniently brought my toothbrush and some sanitary products which I quickly store in your bathroom cabinets since ‘I’m going to be spending a lot of time at your place.’ Your Maxim magazines will go from the top of the toilet to the bottom of the wastebasket because I find them ‘offensive’ and ‘immature.’

Later that day, you’ll log onto Facebook and find out that I’m ‘in a relationship’…with you. Yay! At first, you’ll think it’s creepy but then (due to your inferiority complex) you’ll take it as a compliment and change your relationship status too.

Within an hour, you’ll receive 57 new notifications which indicate that I’ve commented on every photo in your album in which you appear with an unidentified female. Your relationships with these family members, college friends and co-workers will quickly disintegrate as you mistake my obsession for passion and declare your undying commitment to me and stop returning other people’s calls.

Friends will caution you but you’ll be too blinded by my mind-blowing felatio technique to notice anything. Besides, I’ve explained that they’re just jealous of our love. Together, our poor self images will have us each convinced that the other is cheating. We’ll fight about it all the time. Non-stop.

On our ‘good days’ we’ll shower each other with undeserved gifts and sexual favors and the accusatory banter will be minimal – though still prevalent.

Things will be going ‘pretty well’ for a while until one night your phone battery dies and you fall asleep early – forcing me into an incoherent panic. Six unreturned voicemails and text messages will lead me to believe only the worst – you ARE cheating on me! To confirm my suspicions, I will immediately log into all your personal accounts – since you are so technologically oblivious you left your passwords saved on my computer – and find a message to be mad about. It will likely be a harmless flirtation from a platonic friend who lives six states away that pushes me over the edge.

Unable to reach her or you – I will scramble into my car and drive barefoot to your apartment where I will ride up on the curb knocking over an unsuspecting potted plant. The commotion outside will rouse you from your slumber and you’ll stumble bleary- eyed to the window just in time to see me throw the car in reverse and plow into your beloved Huyndai Elantra.

In short order, the police will come, I will cry, you will shout, your landlord will evict you and your insurance company will drop you.
On the bright side, our names will be forever emblazoned together onto a county police report.

Despite all this, it will take another several months for you to come to your senses and break-up with me. Knowing that I am a ticking bomb, you will execute this in the kindest, most reasonable way possible. You will make every effort to lift my spirits by explaning that “It’s not you, it’s me.” and that “I deserve someone better.”

All this, to no avail. The only way you can truly be rid of me is to change your phone number and move across the country where you’ll make new friends and find a new insecure girlfriend to emotionally abuse for months until she finally reaches her psychological breaking point and throws a wine glass at you and storms out of a restaurant.

Everyone will be looking at you, dripping in Pinot Noir with an astonished look on your face. In your head you’ll be thinking, “Ha. That was nothing. You should see my Huyndai Elantra.”

And, that, is why I’ll be the best psycho ex-girlfriend you’ve ever had.

* Location: Dupont
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 848306070

At least she knows who she is.

Millionaire hedge fund boss retires at 37

The other day, hedge fund manager Andrew Lahde retired. Last year his one-year-old fund returned 866 percent betting against the subprime collapse. He left this note:

Today I write not to gloat. Given the pain that nearly everyone is experiencing, that would be entirely inappropriate. Nor am I writing to make further predictions, as most of my forecasts in previous letters have unfolded or are in the process of unfolding. Instead, I am writing to say goodbye.

Recently, on the front page of Section C of the Wall Street Journal, a hedge fund manager who was also closing up shop (a $300 million fund), was quoted as saying, “What I have learned about the hedge fund business is that I hate it.” I could not agree more with that statement. I was in this game for the money. The low hanging fruit, i.e. idiots whose parents paid for prep school, Yale, and then the Harvard MBA, was there for the taking. These people who were (often) truly not worthy of the education they received (or supposedly received) rose to the top of companies such as AIG, Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers and all levels of our government. All of this behavior supporting the Aristocracy, only ended up making it easier for me to find people stupid enough to take the other side of my trades. God bless America.

There are far too many people for me to sincerely thank for my success. However, I do not want to sound like a Hollywood actor accepting an award. The money was reward enough. Furthermore, the endless list those deserving thanks know who they are.

I will no longer manage money for other people or institutions. I have enough of my own wealth to manage. Some people, who think they have arrived at a reasonable estimate of my net worth, might be surprised that I would call it quits with such a small war chest. That is fine; I am content with my rewards. Moreover, I will let others try to amass nine, ten or eleven figure net worths. Meanwhile, their lives suck. Appointments back to back, booked solid for the next three months, they look forward to their two week vacation in January during which they will likely be glued to their Blackberries or other such devices. What is the point? They will all be forgotten in fifty years anyway. Steve Balmer, Steven Cohen, and Larry Ellison will all be forgotten. I do not understand the legacy thing. Nearly everyone will be forgotten. Give up on leaving your mark. Throw the Blackberry away and enjoy life.

So this is it. With all due respect, I am dropping out. Please do not expect any type of reply to emails or voicemails within normal time frames or at all. Andy Springer and his company will be handling the dissolution of the fund. And don’t worry about my employees, they were always employed by Mr. Springer’s company and only one (who has been well-rewarded) will lose his job.

I have no interest in any deals in which anyone would like me to participate. I truly do not have a strong opinion about any market right now, other than to say that things will continue to get worse for some time, probably years. I am content sitting on the sidelines and waiting. After all, sitting and waiting is how we made money from the subprime debacle. I now have time to repair my health, which was destroyed by the stress I layered onto myself over the past two years, as well as my entire life — where I had to compete for spaces in universities and graduate schools, jobs and assets under management — with those who had all the advantages (rich parents) that I did not. May meritocracy be part of a new form of government, which needs to be established.

On the issue of the U.S. Government, I would like to make a modest proposal. First, I point out the obvious flaws, whereby legislation was repeatedly brought forth to Congress over the past eight years, which would have reigned in the predatory lending practices of now mostly defunct institutions. These institutions regularly filled the coffers of both parties in return for voting down all of this legislation designed to protect the common citizen. This is an outrage, yet no one seems to know or care about it. Since Thomas Jefferson and Adam Smith passed, I would argue that there has been a dearth of worthy philosophers in this country, at least ones focused on improving government. Capitalism worked for two hundred years, but times change, and systems become corrupt. George Soros, a man of staggering wealth, has stated that he would like to be remembered as a philosopher. My suggestion is that this great man start and sponsor a forum for great minds to come together to create a new system of government that truly represents the common man’s interest, while at the same time creating rewards great enough to attract the best and brightest minds to serve in government roles without having to rely on corruption to further their interests or lifestyles. This forum could be similar to the one used to create the operating system, Linux, which competes with Microsoft’s near monopoly. I believe there is an answer, but for now the system is clearly broken.

Lastly, while I still have an audience, I would like to bring attention to an alternative food and energy source. You won’t see it included in BP’s, “Feel good. We are working on sustainable solutions,” television commercials, nor is it mentioned in ADM’s similar commercials. But hemp has been used for at least 5,000 years for cloth and food, as well as just about everything that is produced from petroleum products. Hemp is not marijuana and vice versa. Hemp is the male plant and it grows like a weed, hence the slang term. The original American flag was made of hemp fiber and our Constitution was printed on paper made of hemp. It was used as recently as World War II by the U.S. Government, and then promptly made illegal after the war was won. At a time when rhetoric is flying about becoming more self-sufficient in terms of energy, why is it illegal to grow this plant in this country? Ah, the female. The evil female plant — marijuana. It gets you high, it makes you laugh, it does not produce a hangover. Unlike alcohol, it does not result in bar fights or wife beating. So, why is this innocuous plant illegal? Is it a gateway drug? No, that would be alcohol, which is so heavily advertised in this country. My only conclusion as to why it is illegal, is that Corporate America, which owns Congress, would rather sell you Paxil, Zoloft, Xanax and other additive drugs, than allow you to grow a plant in your home without some of the profits going into their coffers. This policy is ludicrous. It has surely contributed to our dependency on foreign energy sources. Our policies have other countries literally laughing at our stupidity, most notably Canada, as well as several European nations (both Eastern and Western). You would not know this by paying attention to U.S. media sources though, as they tend not to elaborate on who is laughing at the United States this week. Please people, let’s stop the rhetoric and start thinking about how we can truly become self-sufficient.

With that I say good-bye and good luck.

All the best,

Andrew Lahde

I can’t think of a better way to say goodbye.

From Fox Sports:

EliteXC and ProElite have filed for bankruptcy and are on the verge of folding, according to several published reports that surfaced late Monday evening.

Read more at…

For more MMA news and features, check out thefightnetwork.com.

All of the company’s employees will be released from their respective contracts.

Officials from ProElite, CBS and Showtime could not be reached for an official statement, but all signs point to the demise of the mixed martial arts organization.

EliteXC’s next show, headlined by Eddie Alvarez vs. Nick Diaz, was scheduled for Nov. 8 in Reno. That show now appears to be cancelled.

Reports cite negative feedback from CBS towards Seth Petruzelli’s comments made on a morning talk show, in which he said he was told to stand with Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson in the main event of the third installment of “Saturday Night Fights” on CBS.

Upon hearing the negative feedback surrounding the investigation of EliteXC following Petruzelli’s comments, CBS had halted negotiations with ProElite, leaving a $55 million deficit in their hands.

As a result of a lack of funding and impeding negotiations with CBS, EliteXC and ProElite will be left with no alternative other than to shut down.

The Fight Network will have more on this story as it develops.

Not only did Seth Petruzelli take down internet sensation Kimbo Slice, he may have
single-handedly taken down the organization that gave him that opportunity. I know the thing that is on everybody’s mind now is how are we going to see Gina Carano? I guess I could start to watch American Gladiators. Probably not though. I guess Kimbo may have to go back to backyard fighting.

OH SNAP! Now I don’t have to drive all they way to Seven Corners!

Dogfish Head Alehouse-Managers-New Location!(Fairfax,VA) (Chantilly)
Reply to: joe@dogfishalehouse.com [?]
Date: 2008-10-10, 11:40AM EDT

Looking for one plus year of experience running the front of the house to include front desk operations, bar operations, expo operations, guest relations and training and retention of front of the house staff. Will report to the General Manager of the restaurant.

* Location: Chantilly
* Compensation:
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 873861732

My friends told me a rumor a few months ago that I did not believe was credible. It’s good to see that my doubt has been proven wrong. This news does not bode well for the temple that is my body. It’s on my way home from work! I just received an IM from my abs about how much time they’ve put in at the gym recently and that I should be more considerate of their hard work. My head also concurred. It stated that it does not like to be in physical pain on Friday and Saturday mornings. To them I say…

I wrote that two nights ago I participated in a focus group that took place in Rosslyn. The gentleman who led the focus group was on the No Spin Zone with Bill O’Reilly today. I know Fox News… Anyway, if you want to see the full segment, click here. You can see how everyone felt as we watched the debate. We were given controllers that had dials on them. They also had numerical displays that ranged from 0 to 100. Our dials were to start at 50, the neutral point. As we reacted to what the candidates were saying, we were to adjust the dial towards 100 when we liked what they were saying and towards 0 when we didn’t.

There you have it, Luntz was not trying to say we thought McCain won in those other clips.

I participated in a focus group last night (I’m in the front right), held by Luntz Maslansky Strategic Research. It wasn’t the regular setting that I was used to especially since this was going to be on live television. I didn’t talk as much as I normally would. I believe it was nerves from being on camera, the lights, and having to answer questions really quick. I didn’t want to repeat anyone else’s answers because I don’t think that really adds much value. I may be wrong. maybe they were ok with that. Also, I didn’t want to sound like a moron. There were definitely some participants that were very outspoken. Everyone was supposed to be “undecided” about who they would vote for before this debate. I think a few people may have had a slight favorite going in though. I truly was undecided.

I wanted to watch the debate to find out more information on the candidates and their platform. Yes, shame on me for not following “the most exciting election of my time,” according to Mr. Luntz. He’s right, but unfortunately there are plenty of people who know less than I do. I’ve gone over my thoughts about this earlier this week. My interest with politics wanes occasionally thanks to my ADD. I used to listen/watch Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity. In fact I’ve read both their books. This time around I’ve gone into the election with a more open mind.

After watching the debate, I’d have to say I was slightly more impressed with Senator Obama. I like John McCain, but he didn’t convince me enough. Also his shots at Obama, such as “that one,” didn’t impress me. I think he sounds like a good leader but I’m not completely sold and I think his running mate is probably hurting his chances. As did most of the participants last night, I think it may be too late for McCain.

EDIT: Frank is going to get a lot of crap (I’ve already heard/seen it) for saying half. There were thirty participants total. For those of you saying 7 out of 20 does not equal half, there are 10 people you can’t see because he’s blocking them. I didn’t count so I’m not sure if it’s half or not.

EDIT 2: You can see in my latest post, Luntz was not saying McCain did better.

From The Onion:

NEW YORK—In a stunning reversal of their long-stated reluctance to take it, members of heavy-metal band Twisted Sister announced Monday that, after 24 years of fervent refusal, they are now willing to take it. “I acknowledge that we promised not to take it anymore, but things change. The world is a different place today, and with that in mind, we would like to go on record as saying that, starting right now, we are going to take it,” read a statement released by the band’s lead singer, Dee Snider. “To clarify, we would still prefer not to take it, but as of now, taking it is an option that we would be open to. That is all.” Bassist Mark “the Animal” Mendoza also stated that, in regards to what he wants to do with his life, he no longer solely wants to rock, but would instead prefer doing other things, such as raising a family and working as a claims adjuster in Rye, NY.

No, not the market tanking again. That’s old news. Big news if you haven’t heard! You can see the AP report here!